Restaurant at the End of the Universe

This following excerpt from Douglas Adams' Restaurant at the End of the Universe perfectly describes the hypocrisy inherent to carnivores that pretend to keep up an ethical appearance, and openly show their disgust when forced to meet their meat face to face, but immediately fall into the bliss of ignorance when the slaughter goes away and hides. In this piece of text the protagonist and Earthling, Arthur Dent, is brought to a restaurant by Zaphod Beeblebrox, the two-headed, three-armed president of the Galaxy. Much to this Earthling's surprise, tonight's meal comes to life and greets its prospective predators as a friendly waiter:

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A large dairy animal approached Zaphod Beeblebrox's table, a large fat meaty quadruped of the bovine type with large watery eyes, small horns and what might almost have been an ingratiating smile on its lips.
"Good evening," it lowed and sat back heavily on its haunches, "I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in parts of my body?" It harrumphed and gurgled a bit, wriggled its hind quarters into a more comfortable position and gazed peacefully at them. ...
"Something off the shoulder, perhaps?" suggested the animal. "Braised in a white wine sauce?"
"Er, your shoulder?" said Arthur in a horrified whisper.
"But naturally my shoulder, sir," mooed the animal contentedly, "nobody's else's is mine to offer."
"What's the problem, Earthman?" said Zaphod. ...
"I just don't want to eat an animal that's standing there inviting me to," said Arthur. "It's heartless."
"Better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten," said Zaphod. ...
"Look," said Zaphod, "we want to eat, we don't want to make a meal of the issues. Four rare stakes please, and hurry. ..."
"A very wise choice, sir, if I may say so. Very good," it said. "I'll just nip off and shoot myself."
He turned and gave a friendly wink to Arthur.
"Don't worry, sir," he said, "I'll be very humane."
It waddled unhurriedly off to the kitchen.

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Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. New York: Ballantine Books, 1995, pp. 115-117.


My favorite line from this wonderful conversation is probably Zaphoid's response (to Arthur's comment about it being "heartless" to eat this animal) that it's "better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten." This dialogue as a whole really sums up and pokes fun at the ethical position of meat eaters who are ready to accept slaughter, as long as it is done "humanely" - and is also a great and literal fable about meeting your meat, realizing that it is a sentient being, and the subsequent complex emotions involved with the understanding that you are the direct reason for this creature's untimely death.

If only more restaurants were so honest.